Of Peas and Pain
  by Jim Esposito, M.A. LCMHC, NCC

Most parents would agree that children need a diet of protein, vegetables, fruits, etc., but they may miss one critical item that is not on the food pyramid, that is, hardship. That's right, children need a measure of hardship in their emotional diet in order to develop into emotionally healthy human beings, just as they need vegetables to develop into healthy physical human beings, and while some children might consider eating vegetables itself to be a sufficient hardship, I'm talking about something different.

It's partly rooted in our national consciousness that life should be about the "pursuit of happiness", but to me this sounds a lot like a diet of ice cream and nothing else. Certainly, as parents we feel, and rightly so, that our job is to protect our children from pain. This stance is "hard wired" into our biology. There is no question that observing and allowing our children to experience difficulty and discomfort creates some dissonance with our parenting biology. In many cases, this friction produces a most powerful byproduct, namely guilt, one of the most adaptive but potentially disempowering feelings a person (parent) can have. In an adaptive way guilt can limit excessive behaviors, but it can also limit the power and decisiveness we need to exert as caretakers of children.

Let's talk about what we mean by "hardship" before we conjure up visions of children working in labor camps. Hardship or adversity can be defined in a developmental (growth) sense as an event or condition that meets or slightly exceeds a child's capacity to cope. This puts a child in a zone in which growth is possible. For greater clarification we will contrast adversity to trauma or overwhelming conditions which can be defined as an event or condition that clearly exceeds a child's current capacity to cope. This arrests and deforms growth and development.

Unless a child's current skill set is periodically challenged it cannot expand itself to meet new challenges. The child is this "meeting place" between environmental demands and his/her current skill level. There will inevitably be "growing pains" as new demands will call for reorganization and expansion of preexisting skills. These moments of disorientation and crisis that precede the incorporation of a new skill can be a painful struggle. Such a struggle calls for certain conditions that would maximize success. Firstly, as mentioned above, the demand needs to be measured "just beyond the reach" of current coping abilities. Secondly, when confronted with a demand that calls for a new skill or a modification of a preexisting one, an emotional response, such a frustration, needs to be contained and managed, otherwise, defeat and "meltdown" will be just "around the corner". So struggle needs to be a controlled frustration or discomfort that would allow the need for achievement to win out over the emotions that get stirred up. There are a number of individual differences here with children. Tempermentally, some children persevere more than others. Some children have better self-control over frustrations. Some have better problem solving capacities. Some have "learned" to give up. Some rely on their parents to "rescue" them.

The outcome of these struggles translates into and directly determines what most of parents are intensely concerned about, namely, "my child's self-esteem". Turning hardship into a new skill is what gives a child a sense of power, control, efficacy, accomplishment, competence. These are all different words for self-esteem. Parents and caretakers of children play an instrumental role in helping children experience success in this process. Here are some guidelines:

  • Know the child's current skill set in order to be able to calibrate what the "next level" demand would be.
  • Set up conditions that would guarantee successful outcomes, as a stockpile of success can add resilience to current difficulties.
  • Allow the child to experience some discomfort, struggle, and yes, hardship. Address your own feelings that would prevent you from giving a child this opportunity. Guilt is the principle culprit.
  • Because some children have greater difficulty managing their emotions when challenged, the adult can become the containment force. Become the encouragement, motivation or perseverance the child may lack in order to get him/her through the process, maybe remind them of previous struggles they have surmounted.
  • Know your child's warning signs when he/she is on the brink of defeat and only then help out, but only enough to keep the struggle going.
  • Keep in mind that a child rescued from struggle is a child who is not aware of their ability. They will grow up with a sense of fragility, self-doubt and a dependence forces outside themselves to resolve difficulties, without ever knowing they could be that force.

A final word for parents and caretakers. What we are advising for children applies to us also, as we may have to struggle with our tendencies to protect our children from struggling. But as with them, the outcome will be invaluable and worth the struggle in preparing them for life's challenges with a sense of empowerment.